ANGELIQUE ELECTRA
What or Who are you Putting Up With?
Over 20 years ago, I got clear about “Tolerations” and what it took to get rid of them, or at worst, minimize them significantly. It was a wake-up call that I identified so many! The late Thomas Leonard, the self development pragmatist that ignited the profession of “coaching,” focused on examining and ridding oneself of Tolerations as a key part of rapid self-development.
I also got real with how my tolerations made me feel, every time and in those I regarded them — some of which you will likely identify with:
Weak, guilty, enraged, angry, fuming, self-loathing, dumb, cowardly, walked on, powerless, helpless, pissed, fuming, resentful, self-recriminating, resigned, anxious, lazy, despairing, foolish, ashamed, “little,” trapped/cornered, unworthy, undervalued, disregarded, shut down, numb, non-communicative, “out of integrity,” vengeful, apathetic, unforgiving, tired, sickly — and on and on.
That’s a lot to lay on ourselves, isn’t it? It is also subtle. You may not notice these feelings in the moment, but they pile up and the things and people you put up with continue if the tolerations are not expressly noticed and addressed. Hanging on to tolerations can also lead to iterative, unhealthy stress.
Tolerations can weigh us down, and hold us back from our achievements and our fulfillment. For the most part, they operate in the environment of your auto-piloted subconscious.
To conduct part of what he called the “clean sweep,” Leonard asked that you identify them all in writing — largely through provided checklists. They ranged from the little, repetitive annoyances (like the needless clutter in your home) to the improprieties or boundary violations committed by others, including friends, spouses or partners, family and coworkers.
One example of a toleration is being taken for granted or unappreciated. That can show in a thousand different or little ways, but the constant pattern of that will build up inner resentments and other negative reactions, in ways that will harm your well-being, health and your relationships.
Looking at tolerations in your relationship first means looking at your “personal boundaries” and how you manage them.
What is a Personal Boundary?
A “personal boundary” is the line behind which everyone and everything is as we like them, including ourselves. It is how we preferably design our world to be comfortable and content…and how we want to be treated in the world by others and circumstances. It is the realm in which we feel the most autonomy and personal freedom. It is the space in which we feel most free, vital, energetic, willing, excited and healthy.
It is also the point beyond which we begin to discomfort and stress. We usually call it the “comfort zone.” We are rarely there! Because we live in a world of other people with their personal boundaries and the random happenings “out there,” we are like a series of bumper cars crashing impolitely into one another. Everyday, our personal boundaries are violated so we develop enormous reserves of resilience to get through our days.
Compromises, Concessions and Suppressions — How Tolerations are Created
Compromise, Concession and Suppression fuel Tolerations in our human relationships. A Compromise arises when there is some step made toward healing the toleration through an open dialogue with the other person. When we are in compromise zones with one another, a potential richness of relationship can emerge. Being in mutual compromise not only creates newer, richer possibilities — it can also begin to extend our own boundaries in ways that support and enhance our growth.
You are at your most minimal level of toleration because you are knowingly accepting the compromise as necessary and healthy for the relationship.
Concessions involve the extension of your personal boundaries to the point you are highly uncomfortable. Typically, there is no material willingness to compromise constructively by the other(s) involved. Often there is a relationship you rely on as significant and indispensable (spouses, children, parents, employers, clients, government) which if you do not concede, you feel there will be unacceptable consequences — so you concede.
When we hit the domain of concessions and therefore, a higher degree of toleration — it becomes more painful as our deepest values become impacted. The more important the value, the more potent the toleration. The more potent the toleration, the more adversely impactful it can be to your mental and emotional well-being and your health.
Suppressions are those inner decisions you make to withhold your objections altogether. It’s better not to speak up and rock the boat. You bury your annoyance. It never sees the light of day to address and resolve. The other person never knows how much and how badly you are tolerating.
Tolerations are sourced from Fear — of losing something or someone highly valued. The Fear is derived from your most important values. Your values, the fundamentals of what is most important to you, are based upon four sets of primary human drives:
- Love, Approval
- Safety/Survival/Security
- Control/Autonomy/Freedom
- Faith in, or Connection to a Higher Source
Part of getting clear on the intrusion on personal boundaries is to examine which of your values is at risk of loss. It’s the first step to identify what is important to you.
So, a “toleration” is a normal human response. It results from a basic value being impacted — something that hits us to the core.
Sometimes we think we are wimps when we tolerate. But what most often needs to be handled is the underlying fear of loss. It is really basic.
Why is this important to know? Because Tolerations are not really sourced externally — from people in our personal space or your circumstances. It’s not the boss, the kids, the spouse, the co-workers, the government, etc. It is never outside of us. They come from a lack of faith in our knowingness, resilience and right to claim what it is we need and want for ourselves –what is important at its core. It is a belief in the fear that you will lose something important if you fight the toleration. In the body, fear feels real, despite the faulty foundation for it.
Telling the Truth — to yourself and the violators of your personal boundaries is the first step. It’s about reclaiming your personal power and saying “no” to the unhealthy toleration.
When you begin to focus on the real source of your toleration, and voice what you stand for — that’s when real possibilities for releasing tolerations start emerging.
Stay Tuned — Part 2 of this post will review how to “clean sweep” those tolerations.